


[fic] 間隙 ~beauty in the breakdown~

by takaraikarin



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Contemplative, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-19
Updated: 2008-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takaraikarin/pseuds/takaraikarin





	[fic] 間隙 ~beauty in the breakdown~

**[fic] 間隙 ~beauty in the breakdown~ | Yamashita Tomohisa x Kamenashi Kazuya | Author:[Takarai Karin](http://takarai-karin.livejournal.com) | Heavy angst | PG | No Owning. Just fangirling. No suing.**

  


**|[Masterlist of Fanfictions](http://crayonedceiling.livejournal.com/688.html) | [Masterlist of Johnny's Entertainment Fanfictions](http://crayonedceiling.livejournal.com/688.html#cutid2) |**  


Livvy, happy birthday. I love you despite how the angst may suggest otherwise.

  


**[peter pan complexes]**

  
Tomohisa had found a cure to growing older, and it was something that he was always itching to share with the younger boy.

Because Kazuya had always took too little time to grow up, and at first it had annoyed him to no end, this young boy with eyes older than his years, who had learned too quickly to smile without them.

He still remembered those times when unexplainably he’d be irritated by even the slightest sight of Kazuya. He couldn’t really elucidate it even to himself. Sure, he could be a real smart-ass sometimes, especially when he was younger, but they’ve always got a handful of kids like that in the juniors, it shouldn’t have bothered him so much.

It was Hasejun who –being a real smart-ass himself- pointed out that him, Tomohisa, and that Kame-chan were so similar in their behaviors, and maybe that was what ticked him off so bad, and haven’t he noticed yet?

Naturally, of course, after a heavy course of annoyance and denial he then came to admit that he saw himself –a younger part of him- in Kazuya. It’s there in the way he handled the fans, in the way that he instantly put up a public façade in front of the camera. He’d seen all that, done it all, and he knew what pain it could only bring.

‘Think happy thoughts, Kazuya,’ he said once while gazing at the brunette currently hunched over stacks of scripts. The younger boy looked at him as if portraying Akira for so long has finally cracked him. He only smiled back and smoothed out the creases between the boy’s eyebrows, silent touches that were never meant to reprimand. A gentle hold around his wrist for _‘Take it easy, Kazuya,’_ , a careful hand caressing his hair for _‘We have all the time in the world,’_ , and a soft kiss upon his lips for the cure to growing older.  


  


**[train rides]**

  
Kazuya hated these long train rides, seeing it as a fantastically inconvenient waste of time, when he can do so many other things instead of being trapped in this tin tube with its harsh lights and its screwed up concept of personal space.

He could be composing songs in the studio- there's this new acoustic guitar line he wanted to try out for their new song. Or he could be doing those fashion shoots at the moment. They’re always the kind of job he wanted to get over with quickly, anyway. But for now he could only sit there with his blackberry and write for his turn of the J-web page.

He pushed in five more emoticons into it, hoping they'll distract the fangirls from noticing his boredom.

He should be calling by now, what is he-

The phone rings, and beside him Kōki groans in his sleep.

'Hey you,' Tomohisa said from the other side of the line and Kazuya fought hard to keep from smiling, but lost. He wanted to say he missed him, wanted to say he wished he was here, but couldn't. That’s mushy, and not to mention clingy –Kamenashi Kazuya doesn’t do clingy- and yet it still felt a lot more silent than when they were still meeting at each opportunity. He could tell him everything then, but now it just-

-he’s tired and he wants to hear Tomohisa’s voice, his low monotone, the hint of a smirk at the end of a sentence. They worked better for him than any thing else ever could.

He barely notice when the train came into a halt at Kyoubashi. .  


  


**[third wheels]**

  
It used to be okay being the third wheel. True, most times Kazuya prefers to be alone than being the third wheel to anybody, but it used to be bearable. It used to be fun playing the part for Takizawa-kun and Imai-kun, they're a lot older and they used to take him to new places. Even doing so for Jin and Tomohisa used to be okay. Jin knew how weird it was for them at the time and he never tried to make them talk. And there would always be Jin's hand at the small of his back, caging but surprisingly nice, and it was enough for him to survive the night.

There used to be absolutely nothing bad about spending time with Tomohisa and Tōma. He loved Tōma, really. And Ryo-chan too, for that matter. Yet something stabs at his chest every time he saw Tomohisa laughing out loud at either one of them.

Kazuya closed his eyes and moved to the back of his mind, where he wasn't a petty and jealous high school girl there.

It didn't help stop him from hearing another story Tōma currently shared, though, and he bit his lips at the intimacy in the atmosphere. It felt too much like intruding. It felt too much like he wasn't supposed to be there.

Maybe he should leave. Maybe he shouldn't have come in the first place. It was quite a while since the last time they met, he should’ve known better than to tag along. It’s been a while since he could go out with Tomohisa like this, too, but even when he was just friends with Tōma and was ignoring his best friend, for the brunette, Tomohisa came first, and vice versa. What makes Kazuya think it’ll be any different, now that Tomohisa and he are together?

Right. They’re together now, aren’t they?

How did that happened, again?

He couldn't remember why it came to this; they were never friends to begin with, what made them think taking it further than that would be a good idea?

He heard the sound of laughter and looked up to see Tomohisa, with such a carefree mirth in his face, sharing a joke that Kazuya doesn’t quite get with his best friend. He wondered if he ever made Tomohisa that happy before, wondered if he ever could. _‘It's not like you can compete with history,’_ his mind provided, and that jolted Kazuya off his seat.

'Kame-chan?' Tōma asked, surprised.

'I- uh, I just remembered something... I need to go'

'Eh? But-' Tōma tried to argue, but he was already gathering his coat and cell phone and was trying to get out of the café as fast as possible.

'Kazuya,' He heard his name and his movements stopped. The look on Pi's face was so filled with bewilderment, and he hated putting that expression on him, but he can't even convince himself he could be the one to make him feel right again.

'I'll call later, kay?' He said in a small voice, a tentative reassuring.

As he walked out of the place into the winter night with his hands in his pocket he knew that no matter what he told himself, letting go would be even harder to do. It'll hurt, and ten years of friendship is not something he wanted to disrupt, but he still wanted Pi's laughter in his ears, his arms around his waist. He just wasn’t sure he deserves those.

He wouldn’t mind if he could just go back to being the third wheel for those two best friends, if only it could be as easy as it used to.

Now he could only remember snippets of stories that were theirs, and wasn't his, and it hurts so much he could barely breath.  


  


**[discoloration]**

  
The thing is, Tomohisa never felt like he fell out of love with Kazuya. But he does hate how he’d twirl his cell-phone around, wondering if it’s okay to call the younger boy in between shooting breaks. He’s getting his first break, but it’s three in the morning and he hates the sound of exhaustion he heard in Kazuya’s phone when he answered the phone, no matter how much the sound of him lightened Tomohisa’s own mood.

(And Kazuya would answer. He would always answer. He would look at the caller id, sits up, clears his throat a few times so it wouldn’t sound like he just woke up, and makes sure there’s a smile on his lips before he answers, ‘hey, you,’)

He never fell out of love, but he hates checking on their webpage and learning that his boyfriend twisted his wrist in a rehearsal in Ōsaka and that he’s- _‘thankful for all of your concerns and encouragements , but it’s really nothing serious  It’ll heal in a few days _. And sure he’s been in Taiwan for the last few days, but that’s an excuse, a lousy one at that. It doesn’t and would never validate all the times that he’s not looking into Kazuya’s eyes and trying to read him.

(It used to be his favorite past time activity to stare at the younger boy and predict his mood. Kazuya’s middle name is cordial and he’d die upholding that, but Tomohisa had sworn to himself he won’t let him get his fatalistic way. So he’d stubbornly stood too close for comfort, be inside his personal bubble, sat with their legs pressed together and whispering nonsense into his ear.)

Tōma said he used to follow Kazuya around like a puppy and would space out a lot when he's not around. He was blatantly in love and it was all so sickeningly adorable.

When he realized the younger boy had _let_ him be as close as he was, Tomohisa had felt like his heart expanded. There’d be late-night phone calls where Kazuya would not talk about his worries and would not tell what let him down, but Tomohisa would hear it anyway in between his sentences. Kazuya would not complain and when they met at daybreaks coz they have no other time to spare, Tomohisa would read his sorrow before he’s forced to say them out loud, and he’s holding him tight before Kazuya’s shoulders would shake.

But that felt like a lifetime a go, and when he’s not there to wipe the creases between Kazuya's brows, then who’s going to do it for him? What should he do with his already expanded heart that’s consisting of empty spaces now?

(He went out a lot lately, coz when he’s drunk enough and the world's fuzzy enough, the lights reflecting onto his bourbon glass looked a lot like the mischievous glint in Kazuya’s eyes. They’re not as pretty, but God, Tomohisa would take anything by now. Anything other than mourning all the time he’s not there for Kazuya. Anything but feeling like a lousy boyfriend.)

True, he never fell out of love with Kazuya, but he watched TV once in a dressing room before some show, and there’s Kazuya in it. He stopped dead and watched his boyfriend’s laughter on TV. Kazuya’s wearing a purple fedora that he’s been so keen on lately, and the sleeves of his striped sweater reaches his fingertips and Tomohisa wanted to hold them coz it’s April and he’s out at sea, he must be cold.

Kazuya looked to the side and laughed again, and that’s when the camera swirled around and Tomohisa could finally see what made Kazuya beamed like that. Kōki was pointing at something beyond the railing he’s standing against, onto the open sea, his excitement apparent and amuses the younger boy to no end. He looked to the direction Kōki pointed, stretching to see more clearly. But then he placed his feet onto the lowest railing and stretched his body further. In a split second his feet slightly looses balance and miles and miles away in Tōkyo Tomohisa jerked forward out of reflex, his arms slightly stretched out, wanting to catch the boy.

Kazuya didn’t fell though. There was a pair of arms readily supporting him, steadying his body.

‘Oops,’ the Kazuya on TV giggled slightly.

‘Careful there,’ Kōki smiled back, but there’s a tautness on the corners of his mouth that Tomohisa recognized.

Tomohisa sighed. It’s hard not feeling like a lousy boyfriend when there’s somebody else doing an apparently better job than you are. He still has the TV show to do, and everything hurts.

(Tomohisa never felt like he fell out of love with Kazuya, but there’s a difference between maintaining a long distance relationship and not being there for each other when things hurt. He owes Kazuya a lot, for every time he’s stressed out and Tomohisa didn’t pick up the phone, for every time he’s smiling and he wasn’t the cause of it. He owes him for the birthdays that he won’t remember if it weren’t for his mobile. He owes him to let him go.

And when they finally meet again after too long a time –and Tomohisa held him close while he’s still allowed to- he didn’t tell the younger boy he never fell out of love as he walked away. Kazuya needs to move on.

It was the least he could do.)

**Stop.**  


 

**Notes:**

  * 間隙 (か.ん.げ.き. = kangeki): a deep feeling



  


  * The subtitle, ‘beauty in the breakdown’ is taken from Frou Frou’s song Let Go *loves*




End file.
